Week Eight

Glad To See You
By Kim Davidson
(c) 2010

A friend recently told me about running into his ex
He hadn’t seen her since he’d left her two-plus years ago
He’d long dreaded the moment, but he needn’t have done
They talked and caught up and she seemed pleased to see him again
And so it got me thinking about running into you
So far it hasn’t happened, but if did what would I do?

CHORUS: Maybe I’d scream and curse and cry
Maybe I’d have to ask you why you said I love you then didn’t stand by me
Maybe I’d punch you in the heart because you tore mine apart
Maybe I’d push you just to watch you fall
Maybe I’d just be glad to see you at all…

Part of my soul died on the day you left
And maybe it’ll be different someday, but nothing’s revived it yet
The truth is I still miss you, which is hardly right or fair
After all the time that’s passed it shouldn’t be possible to care
And how can I be thinking about running into you?
So far it hasn’t happened, but if it did what would I do?

CHORUS: Maybe I’d scream and curse and cry
Maybe I’d have to ask you why you said I love you then didn’t stand by me
Maybe I’d punch you in the heart because you tore mine apart
Maybe I’d push you just to watch you fall
Maybe I’d just be glad to see you at all…

BRIDGE: I miss the you that used to be my friend
Sometimes I wish that I could have that much back again
But I know I could never watch you love somebody else
‘Til the end of time I will always want you all to myself

And how can I be thinking about running into you?
So far it hasn’t happened, but if it did what would I do?

CHORUS: Maybe I’d scream and curse and cry
Maybe I’d have to ask you why you said I love you then didn’t stand by me
Maybe I’d punch you in the heart because you tore mine apart
Maybe I’d push you just to watch you fall
Maybe I’d just be glad to see you at all…

Well, first let me apologize for faking you out with the title. You guys have probably come to expect more happy than sad songs at this point, and this title is definitely misleading. Though that’s what I like about it, to be honest.

This one was kinda rough. Still is, actually. I don’t think it’s finished. I think I’ll revisit this one at some point down the road when I can manage it. Believe me when I tell you I didn’t WANT to write this one. It wanted to be written, and there was kind of no getting out of it. I guess my subconscious was calling the shots on this one. Or something.

Exactly as written, a friend of mine recently ran into his ex. Their breakup was not particularly happy, and he’d always thought that if they ran into each other it would be a disaster. He expected that she’d be really mean, or not talk to him, or God only knows. Instead, they bumped into each other and she was really nice to him. They had a nice conversation and she even told him he could keep in touch if he wanted. He was really relieved. I made a joke at the time that if my ex were to bump into me he would NOT fare so well.

Of course, humans being as complex as we are, the more I thought about it the more I realized it would never be that simple (which is why, frankly, I hope I never run into him). It’s one thing to fantasize about drop-kicking someone to the head (when they are totally deserving, naturally), it’s another thing to actually do it if you happen upon them. The reality of seeing someone you used to love, but haven’t seen in a long time, is a lot more dicey than whatever you can come up with in your imagination. I have no doubt about that. I mean, just having the thought put into my mind made tears spring to my eyes out of nowhere. It made me think about things I haven’t allowed myself to think about—like how much I just miss his presence in my life. How much I really would LOVE to see him, if I wasn’t so devastated. It’s like bringing someone back from the dead in a way. Who wouldn’t do that if they could? But then again, there’s so much more to consider… what if he’s with someone else? I couldn’t deal with that. I’d rather he stay dead. I’d rather not know. And even if he wasn’t. Even if he was just himself, alone, and chatted me up politely… it would never be enough. All these things were in my head. And then I dreamed about him.

On Monday night (or morning I guess) as I was sleeping in preparation for my writing day, I had a dream that I ran into him at a store. He was going to leave without talking to me, because he assumed I was so angry at him I wouldn’t want him to approach me (Damn straight, says the waking Kim), but in the dream I ran after him and talked to him. Told him I forgive him for all he’d done to hurt me. He asked if I wanted to be friends and I said no. It’s funny, even in the dream I knew I was full of shit. I was forgiving him because I felt like it was what HE wanted, and what I was SUPPOSED to do, but I still didn’t really feel it. Still. I did it, and in dreamland all was as right between us as it could ever be expected to be.

For the record, in reality–for anyone who’s interested–I have tried a couple times to forgive him, just to myself in my own heart, and I just can’t do it. Maybe someday. Maybe never. I don’t know. I don’t know when. I just know not now.

At any rate, I spent most of the day thinking of all of these things, thinking of HIM, fighting tears, working on this song that was begging for life, and I think it’s only a fraction of what it probably could be. We’ll see. For now, this is what it is.

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